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Feb 05 2013 -
Tibian Letters
o we sent out a call for letters and you answered... and wow, what an answer it was! 733 letters were submitted in the Auditorium, addressed to 273 different recipients.
The overall quality was so high that we really had hard time choosing our favourites. There were so many different kinds of letters... love letters, friendship letters, revenge letters, letters full of curious questions. Some were utterly funny and amusing, others were brilliantly witty, charming, or simply heart-warming. So first of all, we want to shout a big THANK YOU to all letter writers for a very enjoyable read!

Would you like to know the most popular recipients? Check the bar chart below to find out who received the most letters. It shows the top 13 places.

So after we had stuffed Amaro's bag with letters until the seams were about to burst, our eager postman set out to deliver each and every one of them. Several weeks later, Amaro returned from his route, dirty and exhausted, with a bit of a backache, but thoroughly happy. As he opened his postbag, numerous reply letters poured out. Without making you wait any longer, let us see what Tibia's creatures have to say. If you would like to read the player letters to which they responded, just click on the images next to their replies.

Quick Links to Letters

Michalla and A Dead Bureaucrat
A Sleeping Dragon and Neo Sir
Arachnoxis and A Sweaty Cyclops
A Wrinkled Bonelord and Master Alexandreapt
Manetinha and Aldo
Axeitus Headbanger and Pestilent Muskrat
Mystic Riven and Basilisk
Buddel and Inhaling Chronic
Milinko and Chief Grarkharok
Cipfried and Callme Pie
Taurnil Ancalimon and Dagomir
Demon Mother and Melerdur
Aeroboy of Astera and Devovorga
Digger and Michos
Axel Blake and Doctor Gnomedix
Ferumbras and Arya Benioff
Crunor The Swordsman and Fleabringer
Ghazbaran and Nawinex
Hoys and Groam
H.L. and Pawoss
Mistic Dark Templar and Horestis
Jaul and Abentrix
Aligoth and King Tibianus
King Tibianus and Menkheres
Ghost Wolff Hunter and Lokur
Lubo and Kitsofrendi
Kerkeskin and Marina
Ned Nobel and Katniss From Celesta
Noodles' letter to Amaro De Quester
Krazy Kitty and Ongulf
Orshabaal and Dark Black Magician
Bright Hero and Penny
Pythius The Rotten and Beldam
Mari Aloran and Queen Eloise
Queen Eloise and Elais
Nandril and Rashid
Simon The Beggar and Danski Speed
Kwizatsz Haderach and Spectulus
The Oracle and Shoryureppa
Celphix and Towncryer

A Dead Bureaucrat
Dear applicant,

After looking over your papers, I have to inform you that one was invalid due to a dog-ear, and at form 101 A an 'rn' too closely resembling an 'm' to be accepted.
You also forgot to check the box allowing us to send you advertisement with discounted sales for your soul, which is required.
You can re-enter the application process though by ordering an application re-entering form. That is assuming that you already submitted the requirement authorisation form.
If not, please do that as soon as possible.

the Bureaucracy
A Sleeping Dragon
Neo Sir
Dear Neo Sir,

Let me start by thanking you for your kind offer. I would indeed prefer to have some tea instead of coffee next time.
However, in reading that you still find yourself waiting for a visit from me, I got the strangest feeling of having made a grave mistake. Checking your address only confirmed my fears of having actually visited, well... the wrong person. I did find whomever I mistook for you strangely confused by my arrival, but related this to myself accidentally leaving kind of a "ditch" in his front entrance. I am also sorry about his nicely decorated living room which is now part of the basement of his house. To soften the blow, I tried to make amends by actually putting the roof - exactly - as it was before I arrived. Since the house owner was not available to thank me in any way before I took my leave (strangely enough), I was actually glad to receive news in the shape of the letter I now hold in claws.
Admittedly, I was shocked after reading it, and realising my mistake. I would like to make a humble request, however. Please remove the doors and the roof of your house, if possible. I am now heading towards the correct address. Of course, I will make haste, and should arrive early tomorrow in Stonehome Flats, Flat no. 1 (I even got the number right this time!).

Kind regards,
(full name illegible)
A Sweaty Cyclops

me not know why humans must think all must be mirrored. You get spoiled with two eyes and you eyes semm make you think things have to be even. Me think human mothers are just lazy, don't come up with good idea for other half of kid. Just make copy of first one. Cyclopes are artists, every lil' cyclops is made unique. By having four toes here and three there it's ensured you just not only copy! Poor copied humans go and count you ugly lil' toes!

Hum hum hummm
A Wrinkled Bonelord
Master Alexandreapt
The following message was originally written in an unidentified language. The postal initiative "Communication Across Language Barriers" (CALB) has taken the liberty of translating it with the help of one of the latest inventions by Spectulus, a prototype translation device. Warning: Errors and inconsistencies are to be expected.

--Automatic Translation: Start--

Master Alexandreapt.
Glad to hear you for few examples of primitive humanity there are to know to enjoy the value of books. His is life in the shin is so small that it. A matter of weakness, one of many that is.
However, one of mine many eyes have a hint of a tear when your humble words read me. Your ignorance forgiven and grant you with ins---- dn...nrrk693___error_error___sll ---- w-i-i-i-sdom. The gleam in my eyes most gentle carry you in the world of souls.

Not worry, because he all sees and says a thousand languages never alone.

--Automatic Translation: End--
What insolence, what mockery is this? Your sweet words fooled me once, wife, but not this time. Yes, Mr. Manetinha, I know that my wife is behind all this. She hired you to test my loyalty, didn't she?
How about you just stuff your pathetic promises of a better life under your seat to return them to their proper place?


P.S. And tell my wife I want chicken for dinner.
Axeitus Headbanger
Pestilent Muskrat
Hail Pestilent Muskrat,

Don't worry about that broken nose of mine years ago. That just happens in the mosh pit. Anyway, I hope it was a pleasure to kill me. Of course I am a fan of heavy metal music. I even play the drums in a metal band, called Iron Beards. You can watch us on stage at the V.O.A (Venorean Open Air) together with Womanowar from Carlin and many other metal heads. Unfortunately, I cant come to the Hardrock Tavern this weekend. I have a meeting with the local grave digger. We need to discuss where a condemned to death slayer can be entombed because the blind guardian of the cemetery would be running wild if the funeral takes place at the gates of his graveyard.

I have to leave now. My shift starts at the wall of death, and it is almost time to raise the flag of hate. Maybe we can meet at the V.O.A.?

Death and Glory,
Axeitus Headbanger
Mystic Riven
Me not answer. Me devour! Die! Die!
Me skin is me precious. Can't have my precious! Die!
Me as friendly as possible! Die! Die! Die!
Inhaling Chronic
Ha, ha, halloh my dear Inhaling Chronic,

SHALALA, I met a, a lovely ladyyyy, she wrote, wrote this down for meee - YOHO an' a bottle of RUM, TRALAAA! Don't write that down, you, lady! This is a verrry imp... imp... - ssssseriousss message to a goodoldfriendofmine, d'y hear? At least, I *think* he is. Or isn't she? The, the one, the, with the, the six eyes. Bug eyes. Yes, that'sss correct. An' the funny smell! You write that on the address, er, envy, envelope. An' he needs to know exxxxxxactly what's going on here! Oh. Where'd she go?
Oh, well. Anyway, mygoodfriend, thiss tavern hasalmostrunoutofrum, what a shame! It'sss the rats, they are alllll around the place! Ssstealing! They're in league with the, with the, wossname, pink! I fear we havetossssetsails to findanewplacccce to drink! I know jussst the place in fact! Just north, of, north of, you know, our special place! Let'ssss meet there! All we need is a little, er, a little, little, bottle of rum for the way there! Like that one, except that it's empty. Hey! Why's the rum gone? Nooo! Stop them! Stop! Stop that, ele, elelephant! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

Trust this finds you in good health,
Captain of the rumbaaaa,
Chief Grarkharok
Me Chief Grarkharok, You Milinko!

You said found lady for Grarkharok? You lie! Aruda no hairy. Me no like. Me grab arm of lady, feel no soft, no fluffy, no warm. Aruda yucky yucky. Grarkharok go mountain with lady, push lady over edge and no BOOM! Only mimimi... cry is free.

You no help with tribe production. You stinky. Grarkharok angry. Want throw rock on Milinko now. Hrhrhrhr!
Callme Pie
Dear Callme Pie,

I am glad to hear you have prospered and grown. I am also pleased you learned that the next best thing to a priest is a druid, and not a eunuch, as some uneducated people seem to believe. Keep up the spirit and good work, the gods will watch you and honour your noble deeds.

Your nice words truly warm my heart. You have no idea what I usually get to hear. I rarely receive a thank you; not that it is something I am looking for. I enjoy the knowledge that I have done something good, and helped a soul in need of help. I hope my words inspire you as your kind words have inspired me.
Please forgive me when I have no time to chat next time we meet, but my work always has to come first.

Be blessed and the gods with you,
Taurnil Ancalimon
Dear Taurnil Ancalimon,

You have no idea how happy I was to receive your letter! I was truly in tears and overwhelmed! Your letter had just arrived when I was running out of toilet paper!
I am sorry I cannot make out much of what you have written. I was a bit overwhelmed with joy it seems, and acted first and thought later.
Also thank you for that strange pottery hat you have sent. It is a bit heavy but I intend to wear it on some special occasion as soon as I get out of here.

Demon Mother
Dear babysitter,

When we spoke last time, I was on my days off, so that was when you encountered me in GOOD mood! So even your small brain should be able to figure out how I feel NOW! when I'm back to the daily grind. But thanks for reminding me and putting a finger into the wound! I hope I'll be able to repay that in kind someday!
As for the evil guys... you know how evil guys are, they promise you hell, and then they leave as quickly as a vampire surprised by sunlight. Speaking of vampires though, they are the worst! I can only advice against dating vampires for reasons that I cannot even begin to tell. Don't believe their sweet words like 'You make me sparkle in the sunlight!', 'You are the stake that pierces my heart!' Lies! All lies!

A stressed mother of legions
Aeroboy of Astera
To Mr. Aeroboy of Astera

I am Amaro de Quester, a humble member of the postman guild, and I am writing to you today in order to inform you about a sad incident involving a parcel that was addressed to you. At first, I must express my sincerest apologies as I was not able to deliver said parcel.
Some time ago, I called upon Devovorga, a most peculiar creature according to what I have heard, to hand over a letter that was signed with your name. In her lair, I was received by a beautiful girl. She accepted the letter, and assured me to give it to Devovorga who was "indisposed" at the time I was visiting, yes, that is what she said. Also, she asked me to return the next day. I did, of course, and the girl entrusted me with a parcel addressed to you, Mr. Areoboy. I immediately set off.
It was not long after I had boarded Harlow's ship that I noticed a strange smell emanating from the parcel. I have to be honest with you, Sir, it was nauseating. In addition, a thick bluish substance was slowly oozing from the parcel, and the wrapping paper was already soaked completely. In situations such as this the Tibian Postal Service regulations require the responsible postman to take every precaution necessary to ensure that no civilians come to any harm by means of unidentified, potentially hazardous items in delivery. Therefore, I opened the parcel without much further thought.
I pray, Sir, I do not know what your letter was about but it must have gotten under Devovorga's skin. You cannot imagine the horror and disgust that befell me upon discovering what had been rotting away inside of the parcel. A slimy, squidgy limb, but without any bones, something like a tentacle, smelling of decay and death. What a terrifying sight it was! We immediately threw the parcel and its ghastly contents overboard, and made haste to Yalahar hoping that the sea would devour this piece of abomination.

This is my account of the events that led to the loss of your parcel. While I acted in line with postal regulations, I still feel bad for not living up to the trust you placed in the postman guild, and in myself in particular. I beg your forgiveness, Sir.

Your respectful servant,
Amaro de Quester
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am authorised to contact you on Mr Digger's behalf to say he resents the accusations based on a mere coincidental resemblance with a reputed criminal. Mr Digger wishes it to be known he has always maintained a correct working relationship with colleagues and employees alike, regardless of their bio-organic functionality, bodily origin or spiritual stance.

As Mr Digger's press officer, I would ask you to make an appointment with me to discuss this matter of unfavourable rumours in person. Mr Digger is a busy man, but I am instructed to let you know I speak for him in this matter, and that we are happy to oblige you to the best of our office's possibilities. Please find us at our local venue in Venore during working hours.

p.p. Ruth L. Seven, Bureaucrat
Axel Blake
Doctor Gnomedix
Dear bothered extra-gnomish lifeform,

Of course, I have not only one degree but 360, the full package so to say!
As for the pitchfork:
How many gnomes does it take to check the ears of four recruits?
Only one with a pitchfork, of course!

Well, to be honest, time is sparse and it's not that you'd be in danger or something. Chances that I'd hit something that is needed later on are vanishingly slim. It's not like you are a gnome or something like that.
Newest gnomish science suggests that your kind uses their heads mostly for eating and drinking. But don't worry, that is perfectly OK, and not uncommon in ungnomish lifeforms. That's why we gnomes are here and take care!
For the thing we extracted from your ears... well, it has grown a lot since then, and plans to attend a human school soon. I bet you'll be proud of it. I am sure it will easily surpass its "father" in grades. Be prepared to receive some bills soon, education is a costly thing. You have some kind of responsibility for the cute little thing that you hopefully will not neglect.

Your Doctor Gnomedix, 360 degrees of a doctor
Arya Benioff
Dear mere mortal,

the citadel is nothing to me but a tool as all your foolish so called heroes are. You are nothing but the stone that sharpens the sword. Though I sometimes enjoy an exploding head or two, I will not bother trying to fill your mind with the complexity of my schemes.
Rest assured that everything is working as I always intended it, and in the end, when my master plan unfolds, people will experience my greatness with the last beats of their dying hearts, broken by fear.
I will return soon enough, and it will be a day many mothers will cry for their children, a day of glorious dread.

Behold the day of my revenge.
Crunor The Swordsman
Gnarllll! Crunor The Swordsman.

I dream every night and day
of flea repellent gnarlhound spray.
Sending four fleas with this very letter:
thank you, Crunor, now I feel better!

Gnarllll! Fleabringer.
To the insignificant mortal calling himself whatever.

After a long phase of meditation, reflection, and self-examination, I had come to the conclusion that if demons are one thing for sure, it is heartless.
So I gave the ones I owned (and I assure you it were a lot, mostly ripped out of some wannabe adventurers) to some soup kitchen. Morgaroths heart, though, was part of a bet, as it is often the case. You see, when we have a wager it's mostly some of my toenails against his heart. So both change hands quite often. Actually, your letter cost me my tonails again. I was so sure this time he'd get the most bizarre letter!
Well, I suppose even the lord of blades can not be good in everything, so I have to swallow that pill. But your part in this will not be forgotten.

Hope to see you soon,

I try. I write. Paijn. It hjurts. Cjannot. Has ended. Forgjet. Me. Tjell him...
Aaah well, what's the point? I could as well continue this letter in a readable manner. Alright alright, you got me. Yeah, I tried to get away actually. You tell me it has been three years? Well, I worked together with Dronk for decades!! I know him since my childhood days, when we were both already digging for lost toys in the mud of the mines. You cannot even begin to understand how long I was "exposed" to his gripes, his sorrows, and all the whining. Oh dear, the whining!
He was like never satisfied, no matter what you did. One day we broke through a huge quartz pocket, and basically a whole vein opened up before us. We did a great job, we pretty much hit the motherlode. Dronk, however, was worried that we might have hit an unstable arm, making it too dangerous to continue. I couldn't do it on my own, and Dronk refused to go any further. So... we just left.
He is such a pessimist, it's unbearable. He reacted like that concerning food, our work, jokes, and even the weather which you didn't even have to worry about down here. So I tried to lay low. I found a dead deep one and just... sort of... put on its skin. And then I disappeared. Just tell him I am lost or whatever. The slimy buggers got me and now I am wandering around as one of them, be creative! Maybe I will return some day, maybe... if he changes? But don't tell him that, just let him be alone with his negative self.

To the so-called Higher Revenue Officer Assistant Pawoss.

Do you think I am a fool? Your pathetic attempt to outfox me made me angry at first, but now I can only laugh at it. Ha ha. I mean, how hard can it be to write an authentic-looking official letter? Oh, and next time you try to make some easy money, you should aim for a bit more than just a few lousy gold coins.

As for gender discrimination: Some say that women can make a quarrel out of nothing, and that they resemble blotting paper because they absorb everything, and then get it the wrong way round. All I know is, they are overrated.

Mistic Dark Templar
Unhonourable grave robber,

I hope you enjoyed your stay in my tomb, and had a lot of fun plundering and desecrating my burial ground.
I am shattered to learn you were unable to pry a sceptre from my dead fingers yet. I feel with you. I can imagine how hard it has to be to be denied something you long for that much... something like some peace and decency when you are dead, for example.
I have made sure that you will receive special attention at your next visit in my tomb. I will be most pleased to introduce you to the pleasures of the afterlife soon.

Your bane and worst nightmare,
8OCLT" "^CW]|


QJ-(( ^=^B 8OC J-\, J^C(

Note by Tibian Postal Service:
As a spokesperson of the postal initiative "Communication Across Language Barriers" (CALB), Amaro De Quester has attached a list including new vocabulary which is necessary to translate the message above.

King Tibianus
Noble greetings Aligoth,

King Tibianus writing, your ruler and advisor. Ahem.
Concerning your letter... well, you are right, ha, you did pay your debts. My most obedient and reliable servant Bozo already handed over every gold coin of the money he collected. He is not to blame for any of this. In fact, I suspect another culprit is behind this heinous act: That second tax collector! He was an imposter, for sure! Maybe this is just the beginning of a... mh... anti-royalist campaign! Yes!
So I need your help here. Your king and your country need you, Aligoth!
I have to catch this malicious tax collector red-handed. So, I ask you to immediately-ly-ly throw a bucket of thick red paint over everything you hold dear and which might be confiscated by of the imposter. When he comes to take your precious items, hand them over, and let him get away. Do not worry, Noodles will sniff the red paint from miles away so we should be able to track the culprit down easily. Ta-da! He will be caught... red-handed, you will be happy, and I will have a good laugh at you. Ahem. I mean, at the imposter. The paint will probably leave a reddish tint on your belongings for all eternity, but you served your king. Also, I like red. It is a kingly colour. It is the new black. Gnihihi.

King Boz Tibianus III.
King Tibianus
My most loyal subject!

Indeed, the cleanliness of our cities is a concern as they prosper and thrive under our most benevolent reign. If there are people who dare insult public places with an indelicate presence and most impolite conduct, there will be a royal proclamation to gently mend their ways! In view of this, public buildings, especially temples, are no place for a mount. In deference to these places, everyone should dismount! Dare you insult the gods with desecrating horse droppings in their temple? Would you let your pet wolf steal the food from a hungry man in a crowded tavern? Or clatter down the stairs on your far-travelled donkey, to conduct serious business with our distinguished merchants? Unthinkable!
My own dear warhorse is most comfortably located in our palace stables, and I am sure is grateful for the rest in the company of other animals. Commoners can be a little nauseating at times, we always noticed. Have you ever asked your pet whether it does not actually prefer the company of its own kind?
In view of these considerations, do reconsider your ill-advised question, my most loyal subject. And be sure to always have your pet safely attached to a leash.

The King has spoken!
Ghost Wolff Hunter
Dear adventurer,
The letters are part of an advertisement campaign in which I handed out free letters to see how that would work. Sadly, most dwarfs mistook the letters for secret treasure maps with invisible ink, and they are trying to figure out their secret ever since. Well, you know how things can grow out of hand. No matter what I say, they always assume I'm only trying to keep others from finding the treasure.
For the stories, well, even IF I had accidentally read a letter or two, for example by accidentally falling into a bag with letters, well, there is a vow of secrecy we have to give when entering the service. We had the choice of a vow of secrecy or a vow to refrain from mushroom beer, well, I took the former.

Yours, Lokur
Master Kitsofrendi,

You do have quite the entrepreneur spirit, haven't you? What an intriguing idea... maps drawn with cyclopes' blood... well... indeed... hm.
INDEED! I smell a success story in the making! People will be scrambling to get their hands on one of these bloody maps! Oh my! I am such a clever fellow! Can you believe it?! Sometimes, I really wonder at myself... Here I was, thinking about potential top sellers while staring at a scribbled letter, slowly tearing it into hundreds of pieces, and suddenly Whoosh! Ding ding! Brilliant idea!
Oh, another one! What about... YEEEEES!!! Maybe if I dip Ruffy's tiny little paws in paint, and then mark points of interest with paw prints on the map... I mean, people adore dogs! What a thrilling artistic combination of barbarism and cuteness this would be: Cyclopes' blood and dog prints, united in harmony on a map! Magnificent! I am a true genius!!!

Ah, Master Kitsofrendi, I am utterly sorry, but I sort of, um, lost your letter. It is gone. Uh-oh! Also, I don't know nothing about the idea you proposed. Idea? Who said idea? Did you write about an idea? You see, I was about to start reading your letter when Ruffels snapped it out of my hands, and swallowed it down with one gulp. Blimey! He can be a bit naughty at times. So I absolutely have NO clue what your letter was about!

Of course, I trust you will treat my idea with discretion as I would not want anybody to snatch it away from me. You can never be too careful these days!

Mr. Kerkeskin,

Your admiration of my beauty does not come as a surprise. Still, I appreciate your willingness to express your feelings in a letter. Your praise could have been a bit more passionate and poetic, though, and less clumsy. As you can imagine, you are not the only man trying to win my affection. In fact, I have received a good number of letters adoring my loveliness and grace so you do have strong competitors. Nevertheless, I have to admit that I have a soft spot for shy, awkward boys who tend to stutter when talking to a beautiful woman. It is actually... *cute*!
As for your proposal, I have a concern bothering me:
Of course, I am quite petite. Almost fragile. Definitely not chubby around the waist. No, not in the slightest. I assure you! Lying on this rock emphasises my feminine curves, that is all. Especially in broad daylight. There is no chubbiness anywhere. None! Zero! Just so you know.
Nevertheless, carrying me might not be the best idea. A mermaid's tail can be somewhat heavy due to all the scales and the fins. It weighs a lot. Tons, maybe. You are a sorcerer, not a strong knight, so I am afraid that your endeavours would be in vain. So let's leave it at that.

Yes, it is a tragedy, I know. Here I am, looking all pretty and delicate, and yet this disproportionally large tail seals my fate. So I ask you to continue to admire my beauty from afar!

Ned Nobel
Katniss From Celesta
Dear Katniss,

that is a very intriguing proposal, and would surely revolutionise the use of explosives on a grand scale, as well as herald the beginning of a new era of Trans-Tibian travel! I did a few sketches, and I think we are talking of merely a few billion, or a trillion, investment cutting a swath through the jungle, hiring able men to eliminate the bandit threat, transporting equipment, engineering, project overhead... - Of course your interest is a common interest, so it should be no trouble raising that money from the cities! But, perhaps we should establish an explosive-fuelled means of transportation above the mountains instead?
Maybe something like a cannon that shoots passengers from one destination to another, high above the mountains? Or maybe a balloon for group travel, or a jet-driven aeromobile, or a subterranean lorry system for shipping freights... Oh, the possibilities! I will write to my friend Spectulus straight away, I am sure he has got some flying machine plans lying around somewhere. I leave the financing to you. We'll start as soon as you have, let's say, 4 billion gold in cash at the ready, to cover first expenses. Let me know when you have transferred the money to my account.

Rocket on,
My dear Amaro,

I must confess, I do not remember a point in my life when I have ever received such irritating letters as those I discovered in front of my humble basket yesterday. Pages full of primitive utterances resembling the savage barking of common dogs! It left me with a throbbing headache, and I already dread the next postal delivery. It is a great nuisance for an accomplished and distinguished gentledog to be addressed in such an intolerable manner.
For my own sake, I pray that you do not find pleasure in vexing me. So if you are kind enough to put an end to these deliveries at once, I shall be much obliged.

Your generous invitation to luncheon next week has lifted my spirits though, and I most happily accept it. May I suggest to revel in the utter delight of taking a stroll along some pristine paths afterwards? These treasured moments of wandering around always afford me time to contemplate, and allow me to indulge in intellectual games.
You must not think ill of me for escaping the safe royal haven every once in a while. Playing the naive dog in need of protection is wearing me out sometimes so I appreciate every breath of fresh air I can get. The merciful kindness of my concerned master's heart, our beloved king, readily excuses the liberty I take in so doing.

Dearest Amaro, I must now conclude for I do not want to run the risk of detaining this letter several days longer.

I remain your truly affectionate friend,
Krazy Kitty
Dear Krazy Kitty,

Ah well, we both know how it is with problems, they always show up in the worst of times. So it is hard to tell when a problem arises, but rest assured, when I am in real trouble you will hear from me again.
Actually, the Farmine project itself is running so smoothly that big trouble is probably just on its way. With the lizards distracted with themselves, and the orcs oddly peaceful towards our expedition, I sometimes even have some spare time to gulp a mushroom beer with some friends. Perhaps you will join us sometimes. It would be a pleasure, and you cold share a few stories of your adventures.

Dark Black Magician
To some mortal,

I don't HAVE a damned teddy bear! The beast attacked me!!
There I was, wandering, strolling to that town, minding only my own business (which is chaos, mayhem and destruction, of course) when I passed that window with this child sleeping in the room behind it.
I SWEAR I had no intentions whatsoever with this kid. I rather kill and rip adventurers to pieces, but the teddy bear must have me mistaken for a threat and attacked!
There was NO way to get rid of the beast! It had sunk its cloth teeth into my sensitive scales, and whatever I tried it won't let loose!
I even ordered a teddy bear remover from a site, but I guess it was a fraud. The souls got deducted from my account but no remover was sent. Is there no honesty in the demon world I ask you?
However, you see, I'm a decent guy, usually, always jesting and in for a chat, but this teddy bear drives me nuts! It is him who is to blame for my occasional outbursts!
So if you ever happen to come upon a teddy bear remover, feel free to contact me, I'm sure you'd be genuinely surprised about the reward that will await you.

Yours, Orshabaal
Bright Hero
Good day Bright Hero,

What a surprise to receive a letter, and such a nice one, too. The postman was also quite nice. What a fine specimen of a man! He would probably make a good husband. Unfortunately, I am always so busy that I would hardly find enough time to provide him a comfortable home.
Indeed, I run multiple enterprises as I am working towards building my own empire. Are you surprised now, Mr. Bright Hero? Do not worry! I prefer to pull the strings from behind so I am not offended that you would have thought of me as a bored, lonely lady tending her garden day after day. In fact, I am quite pleased to hear that. It means that my disguise in this world dominated by men works even better than I anticipated.

I know how to cross oceans, what about you? I do not need another hero but still... care to join me for dinner next week?

Good luck!
Pythius The Rotten
Dear rotten wannabe,

I rather want my minions to be mindless, obedient drones, and therefore do only recruiting at an ominous place called CipSoft. You probably never heard of it but I assure you it's a splendid place of screams and agony and whatnot. Everything an evil overlord's heart desires and more!
However you seem unduly interested in my riches anyway. I can almost picture you stealing away with a bag of my most favourite plunder while I'm of to bleach my bones.

No, I rather stick to the mindless ones... less ambitious minions certainly mean less trouble.
Mari Aloran
Queen Eloise
Dear Mari Aloran,

I write to you on behalf of the Queen. I hate to tell you that you have fallen for an imposter! You and many others were fooled with evil intent by a scheming person in the disguise of our beloved Queen.
Love is often a strange thing that leads men (in particular) to disregard any suspicious things about their goddess. Things like queens consorting with commoners, or meeting them behind fish markets... or even beard stubbles...

Evidence suggests that it was the work of the royal jester Bozo, disguised in women's clothes! I really hope you did NOT donate to the non-existent 'Save the Queen' fund as many, many others have done.
Please submit any evidence to the next CGB office. Everything might help to finally put an end to this imposter's fraud!

the Queens Royal Office.
Queen Eloise
Dear Lady Elais,

I hardly respond to letters since I have so many other royal duties that keep me occupied. Yet, I feel quite generous today, and since you showed interest in my little pumpkin Kitty, I am willing to take up my pen. Nevertheless, I will not dwell on my differences with King Tibianus as this would only upset me, which is not good for my fair complexion.

Kitty cannot get lost for she spends most of her time in her room, and may only leave it with my permission. She would probably get kittynapped if she roamed the streets on her own. She is a royal cat, after all. Also, her room is quite comfortable, it looks a lot like her natural habitat. I asked the gardener to decorate it with bamboo plants, thick patches of grass, and there is even an oriental carpet! Trs chic, is it not? I am sure she feels right at home there.
As for kittens... I might indeed start looking for a proper male breeding cat in the future. As you requested, I have put your name on the list of potential adopters. Since you do not live in Carlin, I have to charge you an extra fee of 40,000,000 gold coins, though, in addition to the regular price of 10,000,000,000 gold coins per kitten. The total amount will be withdrawn from your bank account upon delivery of the kitten.

Au revoir!
Queen Eloise
Dear Nandril,
First of all, thank you for your honest words. As a merchant I take a great interest in customer satisfaction. So I am glad that you offer me the chance to answer your complaints. Now, let me get this straight. I feel honoured that you worry about my health but I am sure that I can calm you down. Yes, you often find me near taverns or bars but have you ever seen me drink alcohol? As you said, I am a travelling trader. Do you really think i would enjoy my daily trips having a hangover all the time?

I choose these places for the simple reason that customers, after they had one or two drinks, are a lot more easy to handle, if you know what I mean... but that's just between the two of us.
As you can see, there is no need to worry about my health. Nevertheless, I would like to thank you and take the opportunity to ask you if you are interested in a catalogue of my new spring collection?

Yours sincerely,
Simon The Beggar
Danski Speed
Dear Danski Speed,

Are you trying to ruin me? Is this some diabolic scheme to impoverish the poor even more? 800 gold coins a month for a flat, when there's a lot of lovely bridges and caves in Tibia? Let alone the shop rent! If I spent such a lot, I'd be poorer than the poorest man on Tibia, which is me, in a blink of an eye! It's not an easy job, beggaring. It needs a lot of... sponsoring. I've got a reputation to maintain! People depend on me! Running expenses, wear and tear on clothes, beards, staves... that service doesn't come cheap, let me tell you! So stop that nonsense about renting out a flat, or a shop.
No wait, I got it. This is all Dermot's plan, right? He's trying to set me up! I'm not writing another word! Hah!

Kwizatsz Haderach
Dear Kwizatsz Haderach, or maybe I should say "Shortening of the Way",

I want to express my deepest thanks considering your offer to help me - which undeniably, ultimately means helping science itself. Concerning the calibration of my equipment, however, I have to disagree rather strongly. I admit, there was a dispute or two with other faculties in the past... well, in the past two days alone.
There seems to be an ongoing misunderstanding of my methods on the part of Ab'Dendriel's deanship. Still, my scientific procedures are of utmost precision and reliability. I am, however, a scientist. An adventurer in the land of the unknown, boldly pressing ever onward, bound to take a step into complete darkness here or there. For if there is no one to blindly advance, there will be no visible progression.

I know that my theory of fine mustard as a catalyst in creating hydro-alchemic lubricants for the skiing population of Svargrond has recently been a topic of heated discussion in Ab'Dendriel. However, it ultimately worked - albeit for a very short time which made the ski completely stuck in the snow. What other scientists fail to see is the by-product of a very effective, completely biological glue without the use of any magic whatsoever! Maybe just a little bit of magic.
My methods may be rather unorthodox, but the results should speak for themselves. I am positive that all insured skiing folks of Svargrond have been adequately compensated by now. Alas, Ab'Dendriel fails to value the importance of such achievements over the general welfare of one or, admittedly, a considerable lot of individuals.

All this being said, I would still like to invite you to my laboratory in Edron. To lead by example, I will welcome the support of critics as well as any doubters of my methods. Furthermore, I am pleased to read of your aggressive position towards supporting science as a field in general.

Farewell and with the kindest of regards,

P.S.: Bring a lot of towels if you plan to arrive as early as next Tuesday.
The Oracle








Brave adventurer! Evil never sleeps!
So dare you sleep, while Tibia is in dire need of you? FOR SHAME! BOO!
Please reconsider your undue request - should I truly be still at just your behest?
Earplugs are recommended, lest your trouble be mended!
Or buy a new flat, and that's that!

You will hear from me.
Yours sincerely,
the Towncryer

That's it for this time! The authors of the published letters have been rewarded with a CM token. Do not fret, though, if your letter was not among those that were published in this featured article. Some creatures sure take their time to reply to letters, and some are just not familiar with writing letters. Also, there is still a huge pile of letters in our office. For the time being, Amaro needs some time off to relax his sore feet and back. He covered quite a distance as you can see on the map to the right.
Yet, if you enjoyed the correspondence with Tibian creatures and residents, he promised to deliver the next bunch of letters back and forth as soon as he feels ready to venture out again - he is getting a bit long in the tooth, after all.

So what do you think about the letters in this article? Would you like to see and read more of this?

Let us know in our feedback thread!
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